


as long as you need

by nerdlordholocron



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Discussion of past character death, Hurt/Comfort, Sharing a Bed, Team as Family, Temporary Character Death, could read as jester/beau if you want, discussion of the Iron Shepherds/aftermath thereof, more character tags to be added as work progresses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-06-21 06:45:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15551985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdlordholocron/pseuds/nerdlordholocron
Summary: Jester has trouble sleeping alone after she's freed. Her friends understand.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My plan for this is subject to change based on how episodes go while I write it, so we'll see how it goes.

"Hey Beau?"

Beau rolls over. Jester's voice is small, and tired, and sad despite all efforts not to show it. She's sitting up, legs hanging over the side of her bed.

"Yeah?"

"You know when we had to share the room in that shitty little inn in the swamp, with Kiri?"

Beau thinks for a second. "...Yeah?"

Jester looks at the floor. "Could we share again? I know there are two beds but I feel like if I am alone I will just wake up and be back on the cart or something."

Shit, Beau's fucking heart is breaking all over again. She's normally not a cuddler (well, outside of weather problems, she amends) but right now there is no way she is going to make Jester sleep alone. "Sure. Come here." She scoots over, back to the wall, as Jester gets up, still hesitant, then crosses the room quickly and gets into bed. Beau opens her arms and Jester rolls right in, tucks her head under Beau's chin and wraps her strong arms around Beau's waist. Beau settles an arm over Jester's shoulders, and after a moment's hesitation begins to rub gentle circles across her back. "You doing okay?"

"Not really," Jester sniffles. "But if I don't go to sleep I won't get my spells back."

"I don't think any of us are really okay, to tell you the truth," Beau replies quietly. "But we got you back, and we're gonna keep you safe, okay?"

"Yeah..."

Beau sighs. "God, Jester, I'm sorry it took us so long. Really. But those fuckers aren't going to hurt anyone ever again now, and we're not gonna let anyone else get our friends like that."

"If I had just been paying attention--"

"Nope. Not gonna let you make it your fault. Not happening." Beau gives Jester a squeeze. She's not cut out for helping when someone has a meltdown, but apparently she keeps doing it anyway. "It's on the Shepherds for being asshole slavers. And now they're dead. Which you helped with. And they can't hurt anyone anymore. And you're here, and you're safe, and I'm not gonna let anything happen, okay? I'm not gonna go anywhere. You're not gonna go anywhere. We're just gonna get some rest and you're gonna be okay."

"Mmhm." Jester relaxes a little, breathes a little easier. "They are super dead."

"Yup." Beau presses her chin gently to the top of Jester's head. "And we are super not."

"Yeah."

"You gonna be able to sleep?"

"Yes, I think so." Jester scoots in even closer, and Beau feels her warm breath against her collarbone and her tail settle over the backs of Beau's knees. "Goodnight, Beau."

"Gnight, Jester."


	2. Chapter 2

Jester's curled up tight in her bedroll. Nott and Caleb are out on watch, and there's no room left in the other tent with Fjord and Beau and Caduceus all crammed into it. Yasha is sleeping under the stars, or perhaps not sleeping, but it’s too cold out right now to join her, even for Jester. She knows the camp is secure with Caleb's silver thread, hasn't put a toe over it since he put it down, but... it's the Glory Run Road, again. She can't sleep. She's shivering, and it has nothing to do with the cold.

They're on the road, and the Shepherds may be super dead but what if there's something else? What if the silver thread isn't enough warning? What if they’re fine, but the spell doesn’t work tomorrow? What if--

Someone pulls the tent flap open, and Jester scrambles up onto her haunches, backs away, flails about for her axe--

"Whoa hey what are you doing?" The screeching and the huge pointed ears bring Jester back to her senses-- of course, it's just Nott, the watch is changing. Behind her follows Caleb.

Jester sits down hard and gathers her wits. "Sorry, Nott, you startled me," she says in a small voice as Caleb closes up the tent against the cold again. "How was your watch?"

"Cold, mostly," Nott replies. "Nothing to report. All safe out there."

Caleb doesn't comment, but he moves his hand, and suddenly Jester's lap is full of cat. She buries her face in Frumpkin's fur. "Thanks, Caleb," she mumbles into the incredibly patient cat.

"You know we will know if anyone is coming, ja?" he asks quietly.

"Yeah, I know, but then I think about what if there's too many bad guys, or what if they're so fast that we don't know in time, you know? I don't like it out here," she laments. "Even though you are a very good wizard it is still pretty scary."

"He's _very_ good," Nott insists. "We'll be safe."

"I do not think I can promise perfection, but everyone is staying inside the wards and all is quiet tonight," Caleb says. “I can understand why it is scary. But we are doing our best to be safe, and I think we are doing a lot better at it than we used to.”

Jester nods, and keeps hugging Frumpkin, though he’s beginning to squirm a little. After a moment of sorting out her things Nott looks up. “Should we sleep in a pile again, like we did on the way up here, to keep warm?” she asks finally. “I think it might help.”

“That would be all right,” Caleb says tiredly. “Jester, would that be all right with you?”

“Yeah!” Jester replies immediately, unable to hide her relief, and lets go of Frumpkin to move her bedroll over. The cat immediately races back over to Caleb, away from Jester’s crushing embrace.

They wind up with Nott and Frumpkin sandwiched in the middle, each curled up in a ball, and Jester finds she’s breathing easier already. She hopes Nott and Caleb don’t mind too much. She reaches a hand up to give Frumpkin’s back a scratch, and finds Caleb’s hand already there. As Jester moves to pull her hand away, Caleb gives it a pat before moving his own. Nott’s lying over Jester’s other arm, though she hardly weighs anything, and a moment later, Jester feels Nott’s small hand land in hers, and give a little squeeze.

“Thanks, guys,” she mumbles, sleep finally reaching her.


	3. Chapter 3

They took too long.

Not for the whole ritual, thank the Traveler and the Moonweaver and everyone else available. But there are dangerous beasts on this road, and when they arrive at the gravesite the sun is down and the cold is bitter and Jester has spent her magic on keeping everyone alive again, even with help from Caduceus. The scroll has magic of its own, but half the group don't want to chance it without any of her own magic, and Jester has run out of energy to argue.

And again, even though she's bone tired, she can't sleep. Neither can most of the others, besides Fjord and Caduceus. There's a light in Caleb's tent, low conversation as he discusses something with Nott. And Yasha and Beau are on watch. Jester doesn't want to talk about magic now; maybe she'll join them.

Beau is pacing, her silly goggles on, walking the perimeter that Caleb had set down when they arrived. Yasha sits by the grave. She's all folded up around the coat that lies across her lap. They'd taken it down from the pole when they arrived; after all, they intend to return it to its owner tomorrow. Yasha had screamed when they'd arrived and seen it, an awful sound like nothing Jester had ever heard, and she hasn't said anything since.

Jester inches up to her anyway. "...May I sit with you?"

Yasha looks up slowly, blinks slowly. "...Okay," she finally says, barely audible. 

Jester drops down beside Yasha, copying her pose— knees bunched up in front of her, hugging them to her chest. Her tail curls across her ankles and around Yasha’s, and Yasha flinches as though shocked. Jester immediately pulls it away, wrapping it tighter around her own ankles. “Sorry, sorry!”

“No, it’s all right,” Yasha says, still so quiet. “It’s just...”

The realization hits Jester, of the memories she must have just touched. “Oh. Maybe... should I, do you want me to leave you alone?”

“It’s all right,” Yasha repeats. Her mismatched eyes stare at nothing, somewhere beyond the wooden marker. “It’s... probably better to not be alone. For you. Maybe... also for me.” 

Yasha’s hunched forward so much, like she’s trying to make herself small. Jester really wants to give her a hug, but Yasha doesn’t always like those and Jester is trying to be better about that especially when everyone is still so rattled, but... but... “Yasha please can I give you a hug?” she finally bursts out.

“I... okay... a little?” Yasha begins, and then, “oof.” She lets Jester cling for a moment, then gently begins to wedge her arms open. She lets Jester lean against her shoulder, though, and gives her an awkward pat on the head.

Jester suppresses a sniffle, tries to steel herself. “We will see him again tomorrow,” she says, trying to believe her own words. “The Traveler is going to help us.”

Yasha is silent again, stays silent. She’s warm, though, and solid, and Jester is so tired, spent from the journey and the battle and the tears...

She’s not sure how much time passes; she’s only faintly aware of Yasha scooping her up in her arms, carrying her gently back into the tent, and then finally, she sleeps.


	4. Chapter 4

It’s been a long, long day.

Jester can hardly believe all that’s occurred. Her brush with the Traveler early in the morning, the advice that he gave. The ritual, throwing everything she had into helping Caduceus pull him back with the scroll Caleb had bargained out of Lady Mardun; the shock of getting two souls back instead of one, the chaotic flurry of spells that they had had to try to ensure that Molly stayed Molly, and Lucien stayed, well, not. Lucien, who is now stuck ghostly and aggrieved and somehow bound to a sword that Caduceus is holding for safekeeping until they can figure out what the hell to do about him. The Nein all descending on Molly to check on him and hold him and, in Beau’s case, yell at him through tears and demand he never fucking do anything like that again. The trek to the firbolg encampment, not so far away but slowed by the difficulty of keeping Molly on a horse in his current state of exhaustion, then by Yasha having to carry him herself when he just couldn’t stay up anymore. The... everything, really.

Actually, technically, it hasn’t been that long of a day, technically, and the sun has only just gone down, but Jester is so tired from using so much difficult magic, and besides Molly is already asleep, she thinks, so it’s not like she’s the first one to get so tired.

...She is the second one, though. Even Caduceus is still out talking to the other firbolgs, while Caleb and Nott hang out with Nila and her partner, and Nila’s little boy uses Beau, Fjord, and Yasha all as playground equipment. Besides Jester and Molly and everyone’s stuff, the hut the firbolgs are letting them stay in is empty.

She looks around with something that could almost begin to approach contentment. This is the safest place they’ve been in a while, and they have Molly back, even if he’s out like a light already, stretched out next to her.

...He _is_ still breathing, right?

In a moment of panic Jester snaps her head around and watches him for a moment, sees that his chest is rising and falling normally. It all hits her again, and she chokes back a sob. She wasn’t there to save Molly, and she couldn’t get him back on her own, and she’s the cleric, that’s all her job. And it had weird side effects, brought back the past he never wanted, and... he hasn’t talked much yet, and Yasha is pretty sure it was still him but what if maybe Jester did it wrong, and...

Something catches at her sleeve, and she looks down through her tears. Apparently Molly isn’t as fast asleep as she thought; he’s tugging her sleeve and looking at her blearily, red eyes full of concern. “Sorry, Molly,” Jester whispers, and sniffles. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

Molly shakes his head slightly. “Not your fault,” he says, exhaustion still evident in his voice. He gives a small smile and vague gesture, maybe to indicate that waking him up is not the only thing he’s talking about, even if he can’t articulate more right now.

It’s just past what Jester can handle. She flings herself down to hug him, tries not to cry too much on his shirt. “I missed you so much,” she mumbles into his shoulder. “I was so scared, because what if we couldn’t bring you back, you are one of my very best friends—“

“But you did,” he says simply. His arm drapes over Jester's shoulders, and she keeps clinging for a moment before sitting up again.

"One second," she says, wiping her eyes of the last of the tears, "I don't want to get my jewelry super tangled." She takes her earrings out, and slides the rings off her horns, then flops down next to Molly and wraps an arm tightly around him again. She rests her head on his chest, carefully maneuvering so that she isn't poking him with her horn, but can still hear his heartbeat strong and steady against her ear. Maybe she can just stay here, to make sure it keeps going, and she’s so tired. "I'm probably gonna fall asleep on you," she mumbles.

"That's fine, dear." Molly's hand settles over Jester's forearm, and she gives him another squeeze. She can feel his breathing slow as he drifts off again, even and easy. He's right here. He's okay.

Eventually Yasha comes and takes watch at Molly’s other side, then Beau, then Fjord, then Caleb and Nott. But by then Jester is already fast asleep, and with all her family gathered around her, it’s the deepest sleep she’s had in days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wasn't sure how to work Fjord or Caduceus in. I'm also not sure if I'm done with this; might give it one or two more chapters just to give Jester some more hugs, but I need to figure out what to do with them first.
> 
> Also I'm still rolling with my pet what-if of "the complications of rezzing Molly are that they get Molly back properly, but also Lingering Soul Lucien as a bonus headache" until we see how that actually goes down.


End file.
